Though this sounds like a silly thing to do, it’s something that comes up in our community over and over. The saying actually comes from the 12-step programs put together by Bill W. and Lois. When we apply it to our day-to-day, it means that we go to the wrong places to get what we need, or to get our needs met.
One of the consistent things I’ve heard from clients over the years is the feeling there aren’t people around who can support us in the ways that we need or want. We feel that the people who are there should be able to do it, and we even do a lot of work on ourselves to make it easier for them to do so. Yet it still doesn't happen.
We've bought into the story that the people who are “supposed to” love us should be the ones who show up for and support us. Yet this is rarely the way life actually goes because proximity does not equal capability.
Photo by Dina from Pexels
Highly sensitive people make up about 20% of the world's population. That's one in five people, and chances are pretty high that you were the only sensitive in your immediate surroundings. If you weren't, it's likely that that the other(s) didn’t have their gifts nurtured, so they didn’t know how to teach you to embrace those parts of yourself. Understanding this sets us up for more compassion with regard to our process.
One of our many gifts is seeing the potential in everyone we meet—who they could be, what they could do, who they could evolve into—but sometimes this causes us to miss who they are showing us they really are. We fall in love with their potential and speak to them as though they have already reached it, expecting them to respond as though they were living in that place. However, they keep showing us who they are, who they are choosing to be, and we refuse to see it because we are so caught up in the vision of what could be.
It's not fair. It's not who they are at the moment, and who they are is exactly perfect for their process and soul’s evolution—even when we see that it could be more or different, or easier. When we refuse to see the person who is actually standing in front of us, we hold an expectation that is unfair. We're interacting with someone who doesn’t actually exist, then getting disappointed when we don’t get the response we desire.
Let's say there’s someone in your life who has been there for you every time you needed assistance—when you have a flat tire or you get stranded in the middle of a city. They are always there to help, but when you need emotional support they're nowhere to be found. Yet you keep searching them out, expecting them to hold you emotionally because they are so good and they. should. just. be. able. to. do. this.
You keep going to the hardware store for milk—and expecting them to have it, though you read the sign outside of the store!
This person has repeatedly shown you that this kind of support is not one of their strengths. Yet you keep going to them anyway, setting yourself up for disappointment when they can't show up in the way you want them to. You're not interacting with the person, you're interacting with the person you hope they’ll be someday—as if you know what’s best for their soul.
This is not fair to you, and it's not fair to them. You deserve people who can meet you where you are and can give you the kind of support that you desire, the kind of support that you need, and that you deserve. Others deserve people who see their strengths and can accept them for who they are.
When you can see people in your life as they are, you allow their gifts and capabilities to shine through. You create more ease in relationships as you let go of the false expectations that create tension inside of every interaction. You can let go of the desire for them to be other than they are, which allows for your relationship to blossom in the ways it feels good, where you can show up for each other, and your mutual needs are getting met.
This also frees you up and opens you to have the space you need to call in relationships with other people who bring additional or qualities to the table—those who can be present for you in different ways. You’ve called back enough of your own energy to make this so.
A lot of times, we put these expectations on our families of origin. In many spiritual traditions, it's said that we choose our families based on the lessons that we need to learn and how our souls need to grow. I heartfully subscribe to this idea, and I also believe that we choose people who can’t meet all of our needs so that we move out of our little circle. We are social beings by nature, and seeking others who can hold us the way we hold others causes us to seek people and connections we might not have sought out otherwise.
If this weren’t the case, we would just stay with the three or four people that we were born into relationship with and never venture out. Our drive to find people who can help us meet our needs ensures we are open to more connections. At the end of the day, this is a beautiful thing when we can let it be what it is and release our stories around “why.” This isn't meant to cast judgment on anyone in your life, but to help you to see where you can shift things so that you can branch out in order to get exactly what you need and deserve in this lifetime.
When we discuss these things, many people ask me if it’s unfair to just give up on someone. The answer is, “It depends.” The situation and your motives hold the key.
If you can enhance the relationships that you already have in the ways you're connecting that feels good to you as you let go of expectations, you can enhance these relationships. But, if there are relationships that feel unhealthy, abusive, or where you've been putting a hundred percent in and getting zero back, it might be time to give up on them, at least for now. Take time to restore your energy, to refuel yourself.
Maybe you’ll choose to come back to that relationship in a different way, or maybe it no longer feels like something that you want to participate in. Let your heart guide you, and let the answer be ok. When we do choose to end relationships, it's always good to do so with as much Love as possible.
This will help to keep the energy clean and clear. Though you can’t control the person’s reaction, when you seek to break the relationship with as much Love as possible, it will go as smoothly as it can. You will have done exactly what you needed to do to keep energies clean, pure, and well-communicated. (Note: Your Angels can help with this!)
It’s said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. This creates patterns that lead to cycles of pain, sadness, and feeling unfulfilled. We can feel in the midst of a whirlwind of insanity as things cease to make sense. If we want to create more stable energy in our lives, we need to change things. We can't wait for others to change on our behalf.
We really need to hold the reins in our own lives and begin to shift and change the things that we can in order to live in a more well-balanced way. We can begin to fulfill our own needs in the ways that we have consistently been looking for others to be able to fulfill them for us.
Pay attention to the people in your life who actually do support you in the ways that you want to be supported. They may not be the people you think should be doing it, but there are definitely people there who are able to do so. Then go there first, as opposed to going to the people who aren’t ready, willing, or equipped to do it.
Let yourself be happy, and let life be as easy as possible. You’re here to do such big Work and to hold such beautiful energy. Your Divine Team wants you to be as happy in this experience as possible and to feel as much Joy as possible. Let go of those old ways of being that aren't serving you anymore. Stop going to the hardware store for milk. Free yourself up for the relationships you’ve been desiring.
There are definitely people who are capable of meeting you where you are, so love the people you already have in your life in the ways of connecting that feel true and expansive. Where there are ways of interacting that feel contractive, gracefully bow out and find other people who expand you in those ways. Let them hold you and meet you there.
I can’t wait to hear how your life shifts as you pay attention to the places you’ve been going to get your needs met that are now feeling misaligned and begin changing that pattern.
Leave us a comment and let us know!
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TLDR:
If we keep going to the people that we think should be able to support us in ways that they have shown us they can't, don't want to, or are not capable of, we are cutting ourselves off from having experiences where we could be feeling met, loved, and appreciated at a whole new level.
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